


Um, sorry about your brother.

by dhapin



Category: New Mutants, X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-12 00:17:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4458002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dhapin/pseuds/dhapin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So just how did Illyana and Kitty get back together?  Set just after Epilogue Three in X-Men battle of the atom chapter 10.  Something happened that allowed them to connect again.  This is my take.  Updated after I wrote there are no snowflakes in hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Part 1: So now what?**

 

 _"... and that's why we need an end to our differences"_ Scott finished an impromptu slightly impassioned speech in Beast's lab.   The future X-Men had just departed via the time cube with the bodies of the fallen, including Illyana's brother from the future.

 

 _"Will he ever shut up"_ mumbled Kitty. Scott was trying to convince Henry about some nuanced point that Henry was obviously disregarding out of hand (major hand waving and some minor finger wagging ensued).

 

The group was beginning to break up, subdividing into the usual cliques or routines. Wolverine was already off in search of a beer (and the truth be told something quite a bit stronger). Ororo had left just after Login departed (oh so subtle) so likely not much imagination needed as to what the two were doing.

 

Magneto and Emma (bitch!) were already gone _"Hmm where did they go? I guess Yana (I mean fake Yana) port’d them back to wherever the heck they're lurking at."_

 

Bobby was observing the Scott/Hank dialogs and injecting the usual _"Yea but", "You suck"_ and other comments of even lesser applicability.

 

 _"Bobby we are sooo done"_ thought Pryde with more then a little anger.

 

Kitty turned her back on the quarrelsome trio only to overhear _"...uck you and the horse you flew in on!"_. There was a flash of light and Scott was gone.

 

 _"Guess Illyana left and took the murdering blowhard with her"_ Kitty though as she frowned. _"Serves him right, yanked out in mid angry finger pointing pontification. Real classy Bobby, you've get to come up with better arguments. There's a reason you're not teaching debate or critical reasoning"_.

 

Kitty left the lab and phased up to the school's grounds. _"Now what"_ thought Pryde, " _can't stay here anymore, can't leave the x-kids here, but what to do_ "?

 

The gardens were peacefully. Twilight was just beginning to turn to true darkness and the scent of jasmine was heavy in the air.

 

Kitty began to wander the garden paths lost in thought _"Avengers are a no go, the FF are all F'd up so that's out.   Shield? Yea right. Doom? Double yea right. Can't remain here but got no place to go, hmmm"._

Suddenly Lockheed landed on her left shoulder, wrapped himself around her neck and nuzzled her behind her right ear. " _Who's a good dragon ..."_ Kitty murmured to Lockheed as she lightly scratched where his wings and back met " _Who's a good dragon ..."._

Pryde suddenly realized her random steps had taken her into the monuments to the fallen part of the garden. Up ahead was the statue to Peter

 

 _"Dead, now not dead, but future dead self sent back to future"_ thought Kitty. _"This whole set of statues is really somewhat problematic, I mean we raise monuments to the fallen just to have them come back and fall again"_.

 

Kitty walked around a bush when she suddenly noticed that somebody was kneeling in front of Colossus's status, their back to Kitty.

 

It was her, Illyana (?the fake?).

 

Kitty had always felt very uneasy and tense around this re-embodied image of Yana. Her Yana would never have done the things this Yana did. This Yana had tortured Kitty's students in limbo, ripped Pixie's soul apart; and what the new mutant team went though was unforgiveable. Over all of that was the act of allowing Peter to become the Juggernaut remained a emotional wound that would not go away.

 

As Kitty turned to go she heard _"That was not a very nice thing to say"_.

 

Kitty reluctantly turned back _"What do you mean by that? What are you talking about"_ she replied to Illyana's back.

 

 _"Yeah, but who trusts you. You said that back in the lab back when I first explained that the second set of X-Men from the future was the good guys because I brought them"_ Illyana replied. _"That wasn't very nice or necessary, I was just trying to explain"_ Illyana finished.

 

Kitty noticed a tone in Illyana's voice that she had not heard before. Prior conversations and brief encounters with this new and oh so not improved Yana had always had a coldish or standoffish tone, dry, slightly disconnected, like she was not talking with people but talking to abstract people. Now this Yana sounded slightly contemplative, hesitant, and somewhat sad, sort of like the Yana of old.

 

Kitty nibbled her lower lip, _"I should go"_ she thought, _"But go where"_? She paused in indecision.

 

She replied to Illyana back _"Well who does trust you?_ _I mean look at what you've done since you've returned._ _Who haven't you screwed over since you came back"_ , Kitty suddenly found herself unleashing a flood of words that she had always wanted to say _._

_"Pixie will never be the same. Victor counts himself lucky he just lost an arm. Your old pals, the New Mutants, were all traumatized by the whole vengeance on the elder gods and give me back my soul SNAFU. There's not a student on this campus who would want to be near you, heck half the ones you met in limbo would cut your throat if given half a chance after what you did to them. We still have some of them waking up with panic attacks thinking that they’re back in limbo and your about to get them"._

_"You hang out with Scott, that murdering bastard, and Emma that oh so icy bitch. OMG you're even dressing like that exhibitionist skank, skin tight short shorts and a boob window for crying out loud. As a junior Phoenix you apparently created some kind of franchised subdivision of hell on earth and sadistically tortured those whom you imprisoned there. Rogue told us all about it"!_

_"Illyana would never have done those thing. You are NOT my Yana! You're a sick twisted limbo creature just pretending to be Yana! And Peter, God Peter, just when things were starting to finally work out for us you had to go and let him touch that blasted stone so the man I loved was gone replaced by ..."._ Kitty slowly wound down the avalanche of words, suddenly remembering that a version of Peter had just died and that this Illyana appeared to be in some sort of mourning. She noticed that Illyana's back had stiffened and she felt Lockheed tense up.

 

 _"And um... I'm sorry about your brother"_ Kitty lamely ended the diatribe.

 

Kitty again turned to go _"Crap"_ she thought _"That did not go nearly as well as I had always imaged it would, and I complain about Bobby, geeze"_.  

 

She paused as she heard _"Kitty, can we talk, I mean really talk for just once"_? Again Kitty nibbled her lip in indecision. " _What could we possible talk about"_ she thought.

 

Lockheed relaxed and nuzzled her hair which helped Kitty decide. Kitty turned back and strode over to where Illyana was keeling. _"Ok, but I'm not really sure what we could possibly say to each other"_ Kitty stated as she sat down next to the keeling Illyana.

 

Silently they both sat there for a time.

 

 _"Have you ever heard the story about the toad and the scorpion"_ Illyana hesitantly asked.

 

 _"I think so"_ replied Kitty " _It's a morality tale about not trusting those who do not deserve trust"_.

 

Illyana nodded once in agreement _"My mother used to tell the story back when I was young"_ Illyana replied _"She had lots of stories about not trusting strangers, it's kind of a Russian thing_. _Mama's version went like this":_

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2: The story**

 

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where she lived and decided that she wanted a change. So she set out on a journey through the forests and hills. She climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until she reached a river.

 

The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. She couldn't see any way across. So she ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that she might have to turn back.

 

Suddenly, she saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. She decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

 

"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

 

"Well now, Mrs. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you won't try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

 

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

 

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

 

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

 

"Alright then...how do I know you won't just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

 

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

 

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, her sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

 

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove her stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

 

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

 

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drowning frog's back.

"I could not help myself. It is my nature."

 

Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.

 

Self destruction - "It's my Nature", said the Scorpion...

 

 

**Part 3: Musings in the shadow of Peter part1**

 

 _"Ok"_ Kitty slowly replied, _"It's your nature so that makes it ok"?_

_"No"_ replied Illyana _"It's just a story about a rather naive frog and a scorpion with poor impulse control_. _But the story makes me wonder, what if the scorpion was not always a scorpion"?_  

 

Kitty shifted slightly on the gravel and tilted her head in question, _"What do you mean"_ she asked in some confusion.

 

 _"What if the scorpion did not know its nature until it was too late"_ asked Illyana. _"What if the story went like this"?_


	3. Chapter 3

One day She woke up, this was not a ordinary day, this was the first day. She opened her eyes (eyes I have eyes) for the first time and looked upon the world. "What wonder is this" she thought. She wiggled her body, why I have legs (several in fact) and these long arms that end in cute little pinchers, and a tail as she looked up with her eyes with a rather mean looking sting.

 

Now the new creature did not have much time to contemplate her new existence before she was set upon by a host of similar looking creatures who were not at all nice. They attacked the new creature and caused her great pain and suffering. She defended herself with all that she had and all of the instincts that she possessed. She found that she knew how to fight and to attack. This went on for quite a long while and defined the entirety of her existence.

 

One day, she looked around at the mountain where she lived and decided that she wanted a change. So she set out on a journey through the forests and hills. She climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until she reached a river.

 

The river was wide and swift, and the she stopped to reconsider the situation. She couldn't see any way across. So She ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that she might have to turn back.

 

Suddenly, she saw a creature that did not look like her or like the others (a frog in fact) sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. She decided to ask the creature for help getting across the stream (but of course the creature could not be trusted, all creatures wished her harm, all had tried to harm her, all had lied and tricked her before; whenever she had trusted any of them she had always been betrayed and had suffered great harm).

 

"Hellooo Mr. (well I'm not sure, what are you, you don't look like me)!" called the she across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

 

"Well now, Mrs. Scorpion I'm a frog. How do I know that if I try to help you, you won't try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

 

(Hmm, what trick is this she thought, I'll play along) "Because," she (I guess I'm a scorpion) replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

 

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

 

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"  (like duuu)

 

"Alright then...how do I know you won't just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

 

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion (as she now had a name for what she was), "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"  

 

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. She crawled onto the frog's back, her sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so she would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

 

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove her stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

 

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?".

She shrugged and replied "Because I know how to swim, I was just luring you into a position to attack". "Why so confused, I just did unto you before you did unto me".

 

"But I was really trying to help you" croaked the frog as he croaked (the world was filled will cruel puns back then).

 

She swam the rest of the way to the bank and then contemplated the frog's words...

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To look in the mirror and see a stranger. There are very few pains that are greater. The agony of self.

 

 

**Part 5: Musings in the shadow of Peter part 2**

 

 _"Ok"_ said Kitty _"Not much better. Sounds like you're trying to say it's not your fault that you're a psycho"?_

_"No"_ replied Illyana _"It's just a story about a scorpion that did not know the rest of the world was not made up of scorpions_. _She made choices that later on she starts to wonder if they were correct"._

Kitty contemplated this for a moment, and then decided to ask the question she had wanted to ask for many months.

 

" _Ok, I've got to ask, who are you, I mean who are you really? Are you really Illyana returned from the dead or just something that looks like her. How could you possible be my Yana after all that you've done"?_

There was silence for a long time and then Illyana sighed. She shifted her stance from kneeling to sitting.

 

 _"Honestly, I wish I knew and I really mean that"_ Illyana replied.

 

" _There are two versions to the answer. The short form is yes for but a moment. Then mostly no. Then less no. Then more no then yes, then partially, then.... well it gets confusing at that point"._

 

Illyana gestured at the stature of Peter with her right hand. " _Disturbing how it goes full circle. It started with a dying wish. My/her last thought. I wished I'd had a chance to say goodbye to Peter before I killed myself. Then I was not"._

_"And then She/I was again"._

_She got her wish. Shards she got her wish. How I wish... well let me try to explain"._

_"For me Inferno had just ended, I had turned my powers upon myself and had caste out the darkness. Apparently another Illyana, a younger un-soiled Illyana, had been caste out of limbo; she was not me. I was done, I was gone, I was dead"._

_"Then I was again as if no time had passed at all, but now I was in pain, horrible agony. I thought for a moment I was given a chance to say goodbye, but instead... well I went to hell. At first I did not really recall who I was, all I could hear was the hated voice screaming at me over and over ( **NOT HER, YOU ARE NOT HER, NOT HER, NOT HER** ) while that same voice inflicted... pain". _

_"After an eternity he tired of expressing his disappointment in my existence and cast me into limbo like a broken toy. She did not really survive what happened to her, in fact was not meant to survive. By the time he was done all that was left of her was me"._

_"By that point the answer was now mostly no. Things are rather hazy during that time; my identity kept briefly flickering into existence but then would fade out again. I had her memories but not complete understanding. All I really had were the instincts that allowed me to survive as a demon in limbo. I was ruled by my nature. By what I was. By what I had been made into. By what had been done to me. By what was required to survive. I was a her, but damaged. Badly damaged_ ".

 

_"You know how the remainder of that part of the story went; you were there at its ending"._

A soft whisper, _"If only you and Piotr had been there at its beginning"._

 

" _By the time I recollected what I had been, and that there might actually have been alternate choices, Pixie's soul was in taters, Belasco (curse him for all eternity) was dead and you were urging caution while Piotr was asking if it was me. I got me wish in a way, a chance to say goodbye. A wish for a last moment of love turned to utter self horror"._

_"I burned with shame and loathing. I was a demon in form and in deeds and in thought. I did not know what to do and I certainly could not undo what I had done. I could not stand the shame of my actions and gagged at what I found myself to be. I guess I had a choice at that moment, breakdown or run away. I ran. I sent all of you home and locked limo tight as a drum. Every once in a while I could feel somebody scratching to get in, Stephen or Pixie I suppose"._

 

Kitty sat there quietly, this Illyana had just said more words and detail about her story then Kitty could recollect being said during Illyana's entire time in Utopia.

 

 _"Um, do you mind if I hold Lockheed for a moment"_ Illyana suddenly shifted the conversation _"Assuming that he'd let me of course"_ she swiftly followed.

 

Kitty was slightly perplexed, this was not a request that she would have expected from this other Illyana, this sounded like something that the original Yana might have asked.

 

 _"Um his choice, it's ok if he's willing"_ Kitty relied.

 

Yana turned her head and looked at Kitty and Lockheed for the first time, " _Well Lockheed,   please...."_ Illyana lightly patted her lap.

 

Lockheed uncurled from Kitty's neck and looked Kitty in the eye, _"It's ok stinker"_ Kitty said, _"You can if you feel like it"._

 

Lockheed turned to look at Illyana for a moment and then leaped into her lap. He put his front legs on Illyana's shoulders and put his face inches from Illyana's, smoke slightly curling from his nostrils.   Illyana stared back and then slowly scratched under his chin with her right hand _._

_"Who's a good dragon ..."_ Illyana crooned to Lockheed _"Who's a good dragon..."._ Lockheed continued to stare into Illyana's eyes for a few more moments, and then settled into her lap like a cat taking ownership, claws kneading her thighs like a kitten looking for milk. Lockheed started to purr in contentment as Illyana scratched behind his ears and continued with her story.

 

_"I was confused and angry for a long time, heck still am. Back when this all began I was but new born yet burdened with conflicting motives and desires. Mentally I was the seventeen Illyana, though I actually had only been alive for two days. I knew what I had been and I knew I was not as I wished. Everything hurt. Memories, emotions, all was both new and strange"._

_"At one point I gathered up my courage and left limbo to seek you and Piotr. I figured if you and Peter could accept me as I appeared, if you can see the "me" that was trapped within this demonic shell, if I could somehow be loved then that would allow me to escape what I had become"._

_"Instead I found the mansion in ruins, you and Peter were gone and my courage evaporated. I fled back to limbo in shame. It was then that I decided that I would be unable to regain my soul via love, but only in conflict would I be able to regain my soul. Regain the me that I was not. I started searching for my soul sword and the soul gems. You know how that story ended"._

Illyana paused for a few moments, contently stroking Lockheed, and then continued.

_"It didn't get any better after I regained my Soul Sword. Piotr was sooo willing to forgive the crimes I had done against others, he was so happy that he had his supposed sister back he was not about to spoil it by finding out who and what I really was. But staying at the new school in Marin county was agony. Regaining the sword only made it worse because now I could feel a bit more like her, look like her, but I was not her. Yet everybody kept expecting that I was ok now, that things were normal. Like I had any idea was normal was. It was like being continually flayed alive while being soaked in salt water"._

_"Most folks were tense when I walked into the room and it's not like I really knew how to try to start talking to these people and banal platitudes is just not me (Gee sorry about your arm, I hope the new one feels better, want to play Nintendo?)"._

_"Your students, the ones I tortured in limbo, were less then pleased to see me (regardless of what Scott, Piotr, or the New Mutants said), things did not go well. On the second day I walked around a corner and bumped into Victo and Megan. At that time I was still having trouble keeping the horns from growing out from my head (thank the nameless that the tail and goat hoofs were gone). In short Pixie freaked and hallucinogenic dust was everywhere. Victor ended up soiling himself and curled into a ball. I got to have prolonged flashback of... well it was not a fun trip"._

_"The pull to regain my soul was an overwhelming obsession by that point. I had to escape the me that was. My moral compass, as it were, was a needle mostly just spinning. The Cuckoos were concerned and decided to try to take a look inside while I was sleeping one night to try to determine if I meant anybody harm (mostly to themselves, they are little Emmas after all). Now Emma had been mentally sniffing around, but heck I could block the Professor so nuff said on that. Now the Cuckoos unfortunately decided to take a telepathic look during a rather unpleasant dream, or to be more honest a recollection of my birth as it were. Once I realized that I was dreaming and that I had some rather novice telepathic voyeurs trapped in my nightmare, causing a rather nasty feedback loop that involved all of us, I woke up and permanently blocked them as I should have done. I had under estimated that whole hive mind thingy they have, but again bad time for all involved (I somehow doubt that involuntary S &M will ever be one of their fetishes)". _

_"Beast just kept poking at me like some kind of weird laboratory rat. Scott kept having meetings with Emma on what to do about me. Most of the students were freaking out and I could sense that I was about to have a complete and total meltdown"._

_"The worse of it was that you were not there Kitty. Nobody told me that you were lost/trapped, heck nobody told me much of anything. I ended up hacking into the computers the third night using that old IMP spell we created oh so long ago. I found your file, the one marked deceased. I tried to find you, rescue you, but... apparently the universe decided that doing so somehow created a paradox and I ended of frying myself even worse when I didn't take no for an answer"._

_"So I said heck with it and took off on my soul quest"._

_"That took a while and was likely yet another bad choice, one of many. It allowed me to get used to being... well me. Broken bones don't heal correctly without a splint, neither does a broken mind"._

Illyana raised her left hand and gestured at the sky.

_"I finished growing up, as it were, out there. Lost in my obsessions,  I won't dwell on what I did in those journeys or on what was done to me or by me; other then to say I learned what I needed know"._

_"At the end of my travels I had found the elder gods released and X-Men and New Mutants slain. I realized that if I altered what had occurred then I could arrange a scenario that should result in the regaining of my bloodstones, the destruction of the elder gods, and incidentally the prevention of most everybody’s death”._

_"After I set the plan in motion I mostly just hung around waiting for the plan to reach maturity. I had to remain calm and collected; all was secondary to the goal of regaining my soul and destroying the elder gods. I only learned of your fate when Magneto retrieved that bullet you were imprisoned within. I felt... such shame that not been able to help you in anyway, that and concern that all I had planned would be undone if I were to speak to you. So I avoided you while you were stuck in the lab being treated for your inability to unphase"._

_"I really only lost control once during the wait. Utopia really had a good entertainment setup, I guess back in the day when it was Asteroid M, home of good O'dMags, that Erik was not really into having to pay for HBO. Turns out Erik had hacked into almost all entertainment broadcasts and had archived them for later potential viewing; we're talking the mother of all TiVOs. Anyway, while I waited I ended up binge watching Buffy the Vampire slayer of all things"._

_"Session 6, episodes 1 and 2 had Buffy's friends trying to resurrect Buffy and failing. But it turns out that they did not fail, instead her loving friends had unknowingly left her resurrected and trapped in a coffin 6 feet under ground. No light, no air, no space, screams and pleas unheard and unanswered, left to die. Buffy had to claw her way out of the coffin and dig her way to the surface with broken bloody hands, only to find herself (or so she thinks) in hell being tortured by demons"._

_"I lost it, complete flashback, briefly I was unable to distinguish between Buffy and myself. Why had they done that to me, why was this happening to me, why had my friends not saved me? What did I do to deserve this. **WHY**? All while that voice in my head started screaming again, **NOT HER, YOU ARE NOT HER** "._

_"Well, I ended up frying the entire system. Remember the time Utopia suffered an unknown cyber attack, that was me fragging everything around me; screaming to escape"._ Author interlude: An inadvertent side affect of Illyana's hysterical banishment spells was the entire archive of (Hello Kitty)' cartoons had their sound tracks randomly (and very inappropriately) replaced with excerpts from the Exorcist (only noticed by Megan who incorrectly thought Illyana was deliberately trying to goad her).

_"Things didn't get much better after I regained my soul. Imprisoned in the X-Brig was mind numbingly boring and nobody came to visit who really wanted to talk to me, just talk at me. I wanted to reach out but I had rather lost the ability by that point. I had done so much timeline travel that everything had become rather detached and I had quite lost the ability to connect with people"._

_"Then there was the whole Phoenix Five fiasco and the just recent fun filled romp where the loving brother I brought from the future is now dead and returned to that same future. Leaving me with the painful truth that I wish I could have had a chance to say goodbye. Full circle as it were"._

Illyana paused for a while and then continued _._

_"Before all this, back when we were roomies, you and Peter were the focus that kept me human. I did not want to fail either of you; I did not want to betray your love for me. Things went south on me once I lost both of you, both times it appears"._

_"I have problems seeing the right choices. My instincts are twisted, not as the Darkchilde, but due to what I was and in part still am, demonic. I don’t see things clearly from a human, a moral perspective. It's getting clearer, but it's not in demonic nature to ask for help, to hesitate, ask permission, or to question the correctness of one’s actions"._

_"Hurt and avoid hurt. Dominance and servitude. Desire something so act upon that desire. Take what you want whenever you want. Harm just for the fun of it, or even no reason at all. Never ask for help. Need is weakness. Weakness is punished"._

_"Not the best of instincts for human interaction"._

_"Things have become much clearer recently. I suspect that my soul was not fully integrated but more of an overlay, an outer garment that was slowly integrating with the rest of me. Dormmanu’s attempt to end me appears to have forcibly integrated my soul. I think I was layered as it were, then Dormmanu tried to magically implode me with every thing he had. I survived (not really sure how at this point) but my layers, as it were, were all gone. Everything had been crushed together, integrated by forceful compression and mixing. I now found myself afraid and concerned for others, helpless to prevent Dormmanu from killing Erik, Emma, Scott, and the new students we had"._

_"Thankfully I was able to overcome Dormmanu and save this new group of X-Men but I found that I had become, well myself in the struggle”._

Illyana sighed, _"I didn't make the right choices Kitty. I compounded harm with harm. I regained what I wanted only to find it pale and bland of taste. I see now why that was. Yes I triumphed over the elder gods, yes I regained my soul, but I forgot why I wanted my soul back. By then I was estranged from all those I loved or cared about and I didn't know how to fix any of it. Worse I did not feel much like trying"._

Lockheed rolled onto his back begging for a good belly scratching while uttering a contented _"Meepe",_ Illyana complied while she continued.

 

_"Sorry is a weak word for what I've done, to those around me, to those who cared about me, to those I loved. Working with Dr. Strange is helping; I suppose I had hit some kind of rock bottom after Dormmanu. For the first time in this existence I asked for help, I sought the aid of another, and it was granted. Hmm I wonder if there is a 12 step program for recovering demons. The fact that he was a neurosurgeon has been helpful in understanding some of my... issues"._

Illyana gestured with her right hand at the statue of Peter. _"The Peter from the future, the one who died today, that Peter loved the me that is, not the me that was. He was glad to see me, was happy I was alive, was glad I existed, even after all that I had done to ... everybody. I think that was the first time since ... well ever since Belasco raped me into this existence and then broke me in body and mind, that I actually felt real love_ ".

 

_"That one such as I can be loved"._

 

Kitty had kept silent all though this sudden avalanche of words, with dawning horror at how this Illyana viewed her life and just what really had happened to this Illyana _._

_"I'm not the original Illyana"._

_"I'm not the Illyana who would have been if Inferno had not happened. Would she have done what I've done? Frankly I don't know. She was so scared at the end, so alone. Terrified at what she was, of what she might still yet do. Disgusted with the outcomes of her choices, unable to change what she had become. Horrified at facing her brother again. Trapped. In the end she escaped by killing herself. I didn't get to escape, although I also tried to kill myself"._

_"I'm the Illyana that was created against her will and forced into being, the one who was then.... punished for not being the right Illyana. The one who made all the wrong choices after the choices were made for her, the one who kept being punished for not being the right Illyana"._

_"The Illyana that was broken, the one who lost her struggle against what she was"._

_"For a long time I did not really think of myself as Illyana, that was Her, but lately I can't see the boundary anymore between Her and I"._

_"Now it's just me. It's the best answer I have"._

The only sound was Lockheed's purring for a time. Then Illyana continued.

_"I miss the friendship we used to have Kitty. I know it's inadequate, but I'm sorry"._

 

 _"Um..."_ Kitty did not know quite what to say.

 

Illyana pulled a protesting Lockheed from her lap and handed him back to Kitty as they both stood.

 

 _"I'm glad we had a chance to talk Kitty"_ Illyana said as she dusted bits of gravel off of her costume. " _But I'm not very welcome here and I suspect I need to go before somebody notices. Being eaten twice by the Krakoa is two times too many. Shards the breath, now I know how your school keeps the stables clean"._

 

Kitty stood as well as she pondered:

 

No hysterics.

No theatrics.

No apparent crocodile tear, just pain (and Kitty was quite sure this is just the PG version).

Not her teenage Yana, but she’s not a teenager (and neither was Kitty).

 

Kitty thought about her situation:

 

Lockheed's reaction to Illyana.

Her students, these original young X-Men.

And Scott, hmm access to Scott.

 

Then she made a choice:

 

_"Illyana do you think that maybe you could arrange a meeting between Scott and I. I'd like to ..."_


End file.
